If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
