i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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