i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
