I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize