I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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