So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
