Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
