Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
