If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
