Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
