I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
