Have you finally orgasmed yet?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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