I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
