I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
