dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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