Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
