i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
it's great music for shaving your balls
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Randomize