dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
