I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
