I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
