Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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