Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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