I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize