I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
