i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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