my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
