I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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