the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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