If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
