you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
