Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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