i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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