i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
