I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
