If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
