I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
