Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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