The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh god it's open bar.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize