I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
