Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
