My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
