They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I love you. Go after that dick
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
