ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
