There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
