Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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