I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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