Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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