Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize