I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
