I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize