i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
