I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
