Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
