My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
