i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
