And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
