Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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