Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
