Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
