you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
